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How can we tell if a daily event happening around us is an instance of moral kidnapping? The line between moral kidnapping and emotional blackmail is thin, exemplifying a paradox in Chinese culture—a balanced unity of opposites.
Advocating the doctrine of the middle path—neither leaning too far left nor right—often presents numerous instances of moral kidnapping, particularly between married couples or lovers.
It is not uncommon to hear stinging remarks over housework duties in a double-income family, especially when one partner sinks into the sofa to read the newspaper or turns on the TV after a long day at work. It is important to spare a thought for the other half, who may need time and space to recover from the fatigue of the workplace. Rather than seeing this as an opportunity to coerce the other into doing housework by moralizing, try showing empathy and understanding instead.
The language and tone we adopt can either maintain or disrupt the delicate balance between both parties, leading to vastly different outcomes.
Try this: “Dear, I had a tough time at work and need a break right now. Can you please help me out with the dishes this time? Thank you very much!” Watch as the frostiness melts away right before your eyes.
Now, consider this approach: “I have never seen you do anything at home. You’re always at your club or chatting over coffee with friends. How can you ignore the one you married? Shouldn’t you be keeping me company instead? Who do I have to talk to?!”
Doesn’t that sound like a powder keg ready to explode?
One must ask themselves whether they are guilty of moral kidnapping by weaponizing expressions such as “how can you” or “shouldn’t you be” to manipulate the other party, potentially escalating the situation into a tit-for-tat battle.
The outcome would be vastly different if you had said something like: “Dear, it’s great to see you into sports and staying healthy. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having a chat with friends over a drink occasionally. But I do look forward to you spending some time with me too.” Such an approach is more likely to melt their heart and bring both sides closer. No harsh words or threats are exchanged; instead, the ice thaws, preventing dark clouds from swelling into a thunderstorm.
Graceful gestures dispel negative emotions.
There is a story about a woman who walked out on her husband, taking their child with her, and moved into a rental unit. She frequently fell out with her landlords and moved from place to place. I found her a kind landlady who took her in under the condition that no cooking would be allowed on the premises.
After some time, the compassionate landlady began preparing food for the child, feeling sorry to see the little girl waiting for her mother to return from work. She did this out of her own free will, several days a week. One day, however, the landlady was shocked to receive a call berating her for not cooking dinner that day. The tenant had taken the landlady’s kindness for granted!
The situation worsened when the tenant began making more unreasonable demands. She even took over the living room, forbidding anyone from watching TV while she and her daughter were there. The landlady was left to deal with an ever-growing list of expectations, a clear sign of a manipulative, entitled mindset.
Such behavior exemplifies moral kidnapping—taking someone’s kindness and generosity for granted while imposing further demands.
This should prompt us to reflect: Have we allowed situations in our relationships to deteriorate in a similar way? Have we wronged others? Have we, even unconsciously, resorted to manipulation?
It is common for people to fail to see things from another’s perspective. Thankfully, the time for our tenant to experience guilt and self-awareness eventually arrived.
One day, she came across these words on a wall: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” This simple message sparked introspection, and she began to change. She started showing concern for the landlady’s elderly parents, bringing them health supplements whenever they felt unwell. She expressed her gratitude, saying, “You have been so good to us. It’s time for me to return your kindness.”
As she changed, so did her circumstances. Her ex-husband, who had left her years ago, returned to finalize their divorce. However, instead of bitterness, she signed the papers with sincerity, admitting, “I have done you great wrong in the past.”
Her husband was stunned. What had caused such a transformation? After a heart-to-heart conversation, they tore up the divorce papers and reunited, bringing their daughter home in an unexpectedly beautiful ending.
A change in mindset cannot be hidden; it radiates outward. A gentle, peace-seeking heart will shine through, just as selfish intent will manifest in manipulative behaviors. With newfound humility, one recognizes that they are not fit to judge others while ignoring their own faults.
Chastise your own heart as you would chastise others, and you will witness lives being transformed.
If married couples cultivate mutual respect, empathy, and shared responsibility, conflicts will decrease, and family harmony will grow. The same principles apply to relationships between parents and children.
Moral Kidnapping in Parenting
Parents should be aware that children need guidance, provisions, and moral education. However, some parents exert undue control, demanding excellence in academics, skills, or activities without considering the child’s individuality.
For example, when a child refuses food, some parents punish them as if failing to finish a meal were a grave offense. But don’t parents themselves sometimes feel unwell or prefer one type of food over another? Why deny a child the same autonomy?
It is one thing to discipline a child for willful misbehavior, but another to punish them for personal frustration. Using authority to vent one’s emotions leads to toxic patterns and can be considered a form of moral kidnapping.
Children, too, sometimes manipulate their parents. Some demand financial support for tertiary education, insisting, “Dad, you’re my father, so you’re obligated to pay for my studies.” Many parents sacrifice their life savings for their children’s education, yet not all children reciprocate that care in their parents’ later years.
Cultures that promote self-sufficiency may offer valuable lessons. For instance, in Israel, children are expected to take financial responsibility for themselves from the age of 12. They sell old toys, save money, and work during holidays to support their education. Such independence reduces financial strain on parents.